Stress Management - Stop Borrowing Stress!

Have you ever heard the saying "you are borrowing trouble?" It basically means that you are looking for and taking on problems that are likely not even yours. 

Unfortunately, many of us do this with stress.

*Have you ever found yourself feeling down or maybe even depressed after talking to a friend or co-worker who has just poured out all his or her troubles to you? Not that there is anything wrong with being a friend and lending an ear, but is this the same toxic friend or co-worker (more on toxic people later) who pours out all their troubles to you all the time? 

*Do you find yourself getting upset on behalf of others frequently? People who are completely capable of taking care of themselves?

*Are you controlling?

*Do you have unrealistic expectations of others?

You may not do all of these things, you may only identify with 1 or 2, but even identifying with just 1 thing is an indicator that you are borrowing stress.

For some people, this is kind of a knee-jerk habit, simply the way that they live. Others may operate this way infrequently, but even 1 time is too many in my book.

The problem with borrowing stress is that everyone will have their fair share of problems and stress just because we are alive. Taking on unnecessary stress robs us of our happiness and the ability to deal with normal stress as effectively as we can.

Here are a few tips to stop borrowing stress: 

Eliminate needy and toxic people from your life. OK, you may not have to eliminate them completely, but you do need to eliminate their stress. A great first step is to stop listening to their problems! As soon as the person in question starts telling you what bad thing happened to them today, stop them in their tracks. Let them know you are only focusing on the positives today. If need be, don't ask them how they are doing.

Notice if you are constantly defending or getting angry for a person. If the person is able to take care of themselves, let them! 

Let go of control. This subject should be (and will be) a post of it's own. Control is an illusion and trying to stay in control is nothing but an stressful exercise in frustration. Most people believe in something bigger than themselves. That is a great place to put your desire to control. This one may be difficult and a little scary, but it's also an instant happiness boost (once you get over the scary part).

Don't place expectations on others, especially others who you know are not up for the job. Don't keep hoping, wishing and praying that so-and-so will finally change. Expect nothing and you will always be pleasantly surprised if something good happens. This goes for situations as well! Don't expect certain things to happen just because they should. You are only opening up yourself for disappointment and stress.

Follow these tips, turn them into habits and you have taken a big step towards finding your happiness heuristic. 


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Cultivating Happiness

The idea of cultivating happiness is not new - it actually is a main component of Buddhism, however, the practice of cultivating happiness seems almost foreign in our society today. 

How do you cultivate happiness? 

Happiness is a mindset. Contrary to popular opinion, happiness is not a result of something good or great happening, it is a individual mindset one has about life. 

For instance, I once went on a missions trip to Mexico as a youth. I walked away from that trip seriously evaluating my attitude and my life because I spent time with people who seemed to have almost nothing but who also almost glowed with contentment, sincerity and just...peace. What we would call true happiness.

Cultivating happiness starts with recognizing what you have as opposed to concentrating on what you do not have. What is it that you have? Do you have your health? People who love you? Freedom? Talent? 

Once you start to focus on what you do have (and it does take some practice), you will start to notice you will begin to feel something a little like contentment. And you will start to notice it's not so difficult to stop thinking of what you do not have anymore. 

Try something for me today. Find one positive thing about your life that makes you happy. Nothing materialistic either, but something that brings a smile to your face just by thinking about it. Focus on that one thing for an entire day. Every time you start feeling negative about something, think about that one thing and push the negative thoughts away. 

Take this one baby step with me and you will be on your way to cultivating happiness. 
 

Defining Happiness

What exactly is happiness? We know it is not material things or most of us would be very happy.

For me, if I strip away everything superficial and get to the core of things, happiness is:

• A strong spiritual foundation (spiritual, not religious, but we will save that for another post)
• Good health
• Quality relationships with the people I love, like admire, etc.
• The ability to support myself with something I love to do
 

That's basically it! That's all I need to be truely happy, content, fulfilled and satisfied with my life. Of course other components come into play, but if I only had the things listed above, I would be happy.

Your happiness needs may be entirely different from mine, as we are all individual, but the methods we can use to change our lives are still the same.

Think about it: If you could only choose 5 areas of your life that are directly connected to your happiness, what would they be?

Once you have figured out what makes you happy, it's time to look at ways to cultivate your happiness. 

What is the Happiness Heuristic?

 heu·ris·tic     adj     \hyu̇-ˈris-tik\

:involving or serving as an aid to learning, discovery, or problem-solving by experimental and especially trial-and-error methods <heuristic techniques> <a heuristic assumption>

You may be reading this blog and wondering what is a happiness heuristic. As you can see from the definition above, a heuristic is basically the discovery of a solution to a problem, only the discovery comes after many tests and trials and experiments.

How does this relate to happiness?

As I go about my daily life and run into so many unhappy (miserable even) people, I am seeing there is a real problem with how satisfied people are with their lives. People who seem to have everything, people who seem to have nothing and people in between.

I think there is a misconception in our society about what happiness is. We seem to think that happiness comes with buying something new, something bigger and better than we had before. Our society views happiness as a promotion, a new car, being the Jones', a new tech toy, exotic vacations, the latest fashions, etc.

I was one of them and I am still working on NOT being one of them. I want to share with you what worked for me - what my heuristic, or solution, to my own personal unhappiness turned out to be. 

With a few tweaks to your way of thinking and your attitude, you can find happiness and contentment in the smallest things. You will find yourself grinning stupidly at the feeling of the wind on your skin. You will find yourself inexplicably calm in the face of stress. Your entire world will open up and everything will change because you will have found true happiness.